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gotta love that dirty water

20th September, 2004. 9:15 am. Something I Wrote Recently(epynephrin)

I wrote the original ideas down early last summer, hoping to later work them into something. Some of the sentiments felt too extreme for my mood now. Some are added as of yesterday.
But, love them or hate them, here they are...



Could you please vacate the premises now,
I'm tired of thinking solely of you
Even some natural disaster
half the world away leaves me worried

I wait up all night long for one email
To hear from someone I'll never have
Then I pass through stages: First a sadness
Next, I get over you, Last, I wonder
...How'd I get here?

[ch]
All I am is a poet, a dreamer
and some **cheap**, poor excuse for a loser
**I can't hold my pen, nor write my thoughts out**
But every song that I have,
I offered you all so freely then

Resist the urge to chase ambulances down
Ask them to check my pulse and my breathing
"Doc, are you really sure i'm still alive?
I thought that i had clinically died"

Haven't heard my heart beat in a while
Not that i've checked. [beat] Not that I care
I wake up more from habit than of need.
I live like some robot trapped in a grid
...Is it my fault?

[ch]

Every time i pull my mind from the gutter
Dust it off, clean it out, and reapply it
I have a whole new world to fight alone
My sword is broken, but my flag's still there

And every time life moves out without me
I go back to my empty apartment
sit on the floor, pick up the disconnected phone
and announce to the silence my fresh start
... are you still there?



**starred text denotes things i'm not 100% on**
but all criticism well accepted. Beats are off on a few lines, too...
And i didn't totally hate it. The tune kinda fits with "Kicking the Heart Out" by Rogue Wave, yet another free iTunes song
Please Read and Comment, thanks!!

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18th July, 2004. 3:05 am. Fiction:Joyride (crossposted from my journal)(crazybone)

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13th June, 2004. 12:19 pm.(crypticusername)

That quiet, behind-closed-doors loneliness:
Liquor swigging isolation.
A beautiful kind of pain.

Desperate, but as far from hysterics as possible.
A resigned but glorious wilting.

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13th June, 2004. 12:12 pm.(crypticusername)

If you've got half a brain, an open mind, and a tendency to say what you think,
expect affirmation only from yourself.
Expect to nurse your own wounds.
Get used to greiving quietly.
If you've got half a brain, an open mind, and a tendency to say what you think,
pick one of those attributes and drop it.
Once you do that, you're bound to fit in somewhere.

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30th May, 2004. 1:44 am. Out of the Shadows(simulatedother)

I've been lurking and decided it appropriate to actually post something. To be fair ... or something.

I wrote Bugs and Dinosaurs: Mental Archaeology Through Entomology a few days ago. It's a personal essay (kind of). If I actually feel inclined to pursue it further, it needs a lot of work. At any rate, reading and enjoying are two entirely optional choices.

Current mood: awake.

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30th May, 2004. 12:10 am. musings(epynephrin)

Ok... dunno if i wanted to post this, so yell at me if you don't like it. But i was musing the other day on what a girlfriend is, and here's what came of it...

Those who know me, know that this is a, pretty much, non-sexual thing. Also, they know that I'm writing pretty much from speculation, as i've always been single =\ but... i was thinking... Thursday night... about what a girlfriend _is_ exactly, and i basically handwrote two pages worth of it; i'll probably think of more as I go. Umm, feel free to borrow it or whatever, jus gimme credit... not that i actually think people will. So, without further ado, here it is.

A Girlfriend is...Collapse )

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29th May, 2004. 11:15 am. The beggining of a story...(crypticusername)

“It’s like a monkey-no- TWELVE monkeys have been taken off my back.”
“Uh-huh”
“And his family… Oh my God, that horrible family, can you imagine…”
I began to mutter all the placating phrases I could muster, hoping I could conjure enough variety to keep her from directly addressing me.
Luckily, she rattled on until even humoring her was more than I could stand. She noticed the silence and, with what seemed like a new development; what I might call the early signs of tact if I were more optimistic, decided to let me go.
She’s neither the villain I’ve made her out to be in the past, nor the martyr that she’d claim. She has and always will be trapped in a vortex of conflicting priorities, excuses, and distractions. None of this is helped by her overwhelming senselessness, and the products of this frustrating concoction are apparent to anyone who’s spent more than five minutes with her.
Either way, she’s becoming less and less of my problem, and dwelling on the matter any longer would betray the powerful sense of hope I feel that in a year or two, I’ll have a guilt free excuse to have removed her from my mind.

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21st May, 2004. 9:30 pm. Sung To The Tune Of Miss Mary Mack(hairydog)

All ThoseThings You Wish You'd Hear But Know We'll Never Say

Spiritual murder ended our masquerade
(masquerade without masks)
Ritual suicide you commited to this sacrosanct rule
(ritual suicide)
common sagacity isn't common in this place
(what inspired your race to lose face)

god is dead we heard it on the radio
(and that's why you're back)
Didn't you tell me I wanted to kill her
(my song meant)
(I wanted to kill her)

you're back but I cant be sure you're staying
Like every other game you've been playing
pilfered popularity indulging in animosity
then this comforting quality till meeting company

a fast paced ending of our glory days
(days we danced in halls)
or laying till three on the hood of my car
(hood of my car)
days slipping away the feeling reaching to hold on
(endless hours we thought we could do no wrong)

God is dead we read it in headlines
(those days died too)
didn't you tell me I wanted to kill you
(this song meant)
(I wanted to kill you)

They're back but I cant be sure they're staying
gone back to the games we once were playing
pilfered popularity indulging in animosity
then this comforting quality till meeting company

Looked at what they said found I'm not good enough
(strive to be everyone's love)
tried responding to all those thoughts in you head
(found I'm not good to you)
But none of this means I'm ready for you to leave
(And never think this is me asking you to stay)

God is dead we saw it on tv
(but you still kiss me)
didn't you you tell me you're everything I wanted
(this song meant)
(you're everything I've wanted)

I'm back and I'm not so sure I'm staying
this could be another game I'm playing
pilfered popularity indulging in animosity
then this comforting quality till meeting company

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14th May, 2004. 11:57 pm. I'm not sure what I'm going to write yet(thejulietheory)

"if you cook a man a fish, he'll be yours forever, if you teach a man to cook a fish he'll find some other bimbo who'll do it for him"

heathers eyes widened slightly at her mothers remark. she wasn't so sure what about it suprised her. her mother quite frequently implied that love and marriage didn't go together, but rather, necessity and marriage.

"mother..."

"don't take that tone with me young lady. sooner or later you will realize thats the way things are. you hafta be the most marketable one out there or they'll be no demand for you. lets just hope its sooner rather than later. I want some grandkids before I go to the great beyond."

heather just tapped her fingers on her desk, stopping to check the condition of her newly manicured nails. she sighed a deep breath of annoyance to see that her pinky nail was already begginning to chip.

perhaps her mother was right. so far, she hadn't met a man that could keep his attention on her for very long. sooner or later, some other more fascinating being came along and swept him away from her. something in her wouldn't allow her to believe it still though. love depended upon more than just who was more marketable. she'd like to think the man that eventually fell for her would not fall for her because she was able to reel him in with cooking skills, but rather because he saw something special in her that no one else ever had or ever would. She didn't want love to be about a gimmick, because it wasn't really true then. She didn't want to have to be compared up against other women to be found if she was fit to be made his wife.

"yeah ma. I should listen to you cuz you and dad had SUCH a wonderful marriage" she rolled her eyes and waited for her mothers rebuttle.

"I kept him for forty years though didn't I?"

"what does 'keeping' a guy matter if love isn't there?"

"there was love enough. we grew to love each other. anyways, marriage isn't about love. go ask any priest. its for the procreation of children and thats that."

"mom, I don't even want children"

"not want children? how could you not want children?" her mother said, taken aback.

"I don't know. I don't really like kids."





okay thats all I can write for now. I need to fix it alot, but so far what do you guys think of the dialogue etc?

Current mood: bored.

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13th May, 2004. 1:14 pm. I just joined this community....(seascapexo)

IX: Just a Spark



“Here it is white and full like a ghost across the sky, and here
it is a crescent, like the huntress slings her silver bow—

the moon half hidden behind the thrash and the thrust of breakers.
And how the morning star will rise from the east, and spark.

And the pendulum will swing and toll its tenor on a brass bell.
That look you wore then, and your shoe-gazing smile,

when Diarmuid pulled that salmon from the stream at Leamen.
You said you felt like there was a fish inside of you,

instead of a fetus. But it could have been anything that crawled
from the foam to make language. It could have been

anyone that you lost or were denied that you went looking for
in other bodies. It could have been anything, or nothing

that changed a golden heart into base metal. On average, women
have about 20% higher copper serum than men. Gold

stands in for the sun, its spark. In spring seeds are planted and rams
are brought to the fields for blood. At night we light candles

and whisper short prayers to Aine . The mornings are golden, days
are azurite, malachite, turquoise, chalcopyrite and peacock.”

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